Travis honey, you know i really love you so much.
But i can never tell you anything anymore..
Gdnites.
Dreams In A bucket

You sat down there facing the sky
Wishing there were stars tonight
Tears werent dry and theyre still dropping on your smooth little thighs
Tears on your nose, you thought about the things
And all of the shit that you did in the past
You released it all to me and i do not react
But i remember in my head

To me, youre so beautiful
your hair's a luscious and aromatic
I just love the way you have your smile
And you steal all those kisses from me
I love you baby

Pack all your dreams in a bucket
And throw it all into the sea
Pack all your lies in a paper bag
For all to see

And then you lied on my shoulder
Thinking about how much i was to you
So precious, you were scared to let me go
Same thoughts for me
You are the treasure ive found without a key

Pack all your dreams in a bucket
And throw it all into the sea
Pack all your lies in a paper bag
For all to see

And i know that youd be here
All the way till i die
Because of you and me together
Ill never let this go

This song always, always speak to me coz Trav wrote this song for me when we first got together. It's been 18 months since, and things definitely will change. When i listen to the song, i feel all of his emotions coming together. I feel his love right there in front of me and thats something i can never get when he is standing right next to me. Why is it that he can never express such love for me anymore? This song comforts me everytime because it automatically calms me. It is something i can never get with Trav because he never seems to know how to cheer someone up. Isnt it sad to know that your own boyfriend can never make you smile? I almost wished he could become the song and that we could go back to how we used to be before.

Life for me, is just there. You either live it, or die in it. Somehow, ive become someone whos really painful inside. My friend's always saying "Let's go find God" and well, maybe thats the case for me? Ive been drumming for 8 years and thanks to DollTrash, i decided to major in it and make it a huge part of me. Doll Trash.. I miss the old days.. To me, DT will always and only be Me, Inez, Trav and Din. All four of us were like a happy family, always smiling, always hanging out together like great friends and the vibe we had together was perfect. DT woke me up from everything. I was so much alive then, and i felt that there was a reason to be in a band. DT was my best friend, my one and only true friend. Well, we werent just a band. We hanged out quite alot. Sometimes id meet up with Inez for coffee, shopping and we even did piercings together. Inez, she made me feel like i could trust someone. She was a sister to me and we both relied on each other. I miss her. I miss the old her.

DT didnt meet up for awhile coza school/work commitments and etc. Inez went to do her diploma im mass comunications and as soon as you could say fuck you, we didnt meet up as often anymore. Its like, my best friend just disappeared and i no longer had someone i could talk to. When i missed her, i couldnt see her coz i knew her schedule was tight and i didnt wanna get stood up again. Once, i planned a date with her about a week in advance. I was early, so i waited for her. It didnt work out in the end coz she decided to go bowling with her MDIS friends instead and i was left there heartbrokened. I knew she was busy, so i asked her in advance but even so, this was how it turned out. I decided right there that i shouldnt make plans with her anymore coz i didnt wanna get stood up again. When we did meet a few months later, well most of the time it's unplanned, things changed. I could no longer talk to her like how i used to. Our hugs were no longer exchanged and i felt right there that ive lost my best friend.

The reason why i think i should leave DT, is because ive lost my best friend. DT is no long DollTrash anymore. If im going to feel an awkwardness, then ive lost my meaning here. Its painful, in fact it hurts me more than anything else. Ive seen DT grow from something small, to something productive, even with half our original line up gone. I wish something could be done to change things but i dont know if its possible. Inez, remember those times when you got drunk coza "you know who" and not only did you make a fool outta yourself but you also tried to make out with me? Ill always remember that coz it's one of the last times we were ever that close. It was one of the happiest moment i had with DT. Remember the time i got drunk at Gashaus and you piggy backed me all the way to the toilet? Even though Saito the loser was an asshole, but i still had fun with you guys! Theres just too much to remember. You know, if i could feel all these again, id really want it to be with DT.

Dear Inez, When i first met you, i felt a connection with you. I felt that we had so much in common and so, when you had your problems, i tried to be there for you. I tried to give you the support you needed because you were my sister, and my best friend. But somehow along the way, things got messy. You made new friends, had new experiences, thus i felt that i was rejected and neglected by you. It is easy for you coz youre outspoken, unlike i. I can never open up to someone that easy. I mean, you know me well enough dont you? I find it hard to click with certain people. It is very VERY hard for me to make new friends because i just refuse to open up. The only friend i could count on then was you but somehow you werent there and i kinda lost you along the way. Even right now, it feels as though youre just an aquaintance. I couldnt talk to you like how i used to anymore. My family for DT has seperated and it hurts my heart so much. It is not easy to let go of that family that has taken so many memories from me. I miss you. So much Inez.
I saw her yesterday night. Right there at my usual chillout spot with a friend. Honestly, my time spent with her there was different and awkward, and it just didnt feel the same anymore. All these started when i got stood up by you and i told myself never will it happen again. I feel that sometimes, people tend to forget their friends once theyve met new ones and, inevitably people do change. Before half my band broke up, my decision to be part of DT always stood rooted on the ground but i guess things changes. My main reason to why i agreed to be DT's drummer was because i felt there was a connection between us all. I mean, we were a new band, new to each other, new to everyone but nevertheless there was chemistry. Right now, half of us are gone and it's been 15 months since the band officially came together. Some of us entered another era of their lives, met new people, and experienced something extra. Things are totally not the same for DT anymore. I hate to say this, but thats the way it is people. Now i dread going for jammings, and it's not coz i hate jamming or that i hate how we sound. I just hate it because the chemistry is no longer there, and relationships between me and DT is shattered.

When youre jamming, writing a song for the first time, and playing with certain people for the first time, all i need from you is patience. What you listen on a raw recording will not sound exactly like how it is live. It is also, impossible to finish a song in a day unless youve really got a concept for it. What am i blabbering?!

As friends, i feel that ive totally lost track with you. Somehow i find it impossible to get back what both of us have lost because when i needed you, i couldnt find you. I dont really have the heart for DT anymore since ive lost friendship with you. Im sick of having to face the same old thing everytime im jamming. It is possible that id walk away.
Okay i know i havent been blogging for a fucking long time but right now i just have to. Here goes:
To all my friends who watched me grow up, i know alot of things about me have changed. Im in my final year of lasalle right now and i realise that alot of my really old friends rarely approach me anymore. I guess it's what i do that might possibly turn them off. When we were younger, man those times were treasure. We were kids and we never made enemies. The only thing we knew was PLAY! Lol.. People move on with life, friends come and go and this will keep happening. Well, as long as i treasure the time share as kids. :D

Hey, i forgot where/whom i heard this from but, i feel that it is true. Love is pain. Look at God's love. So pure, unconditional and real but imagine all the pain that he's feeling because we humans are sinning over and over again right here on earth. Imagine a person's unrequited love. How much he adores for that woman but somehow that woman never seems to notice him. Thats kinda how im feeling right now. I would die for you, do anything for you because that love for you is so so great but sometimes all the shitty stuff that i do cause you to turn away from me and pain is inflicted right back to me. I remember how you used to say that my blog was all filled with emo shit but i guess thats how i feel sometimes and the only times im not emo is having you by my side. You know me, i do things without thinking. And most of the time i really dont know why im doing those things even after questioning myself. That usually ends up in me getting depressed and all.

Grrr. I believe i am who i am now because every social and personal problem gets sucked together into one ball of fluff and *poof*! I am born into this world. Look at my family, what a "God-seeking" family. Who would have known that we've always been so dysfunctional? Dad's always wanting me to befriend those kids from youth service when i clearly cannot click with them. And when i get my piercings done, he preaches on and on about how evil piercings are. They question my appearance. "Why you wear so much eyeliner arr?" or "Pull up your pants lar can see your backside". You what? Just fuck off because i am who i am so stop changing me!! Look at my friends. Many come and go and I dont even have many. Look at my relationships, its trash. Look at work, politics and gossips going around like nobody's business. When will my life get any better?

Travis honey, you know i really love you so much.
But i can never tell you anything anymore..
Gdnites.